"Bake chocolate chip cookies right before the open house. Not only will
you give prospective buyers something to munch on while they walk
around, but some experts say the cozy smell of cookies makes people feel
like they're home." Allstate Real Estate Company
It is a smell we are all familiar with. A smell that is inviting, powerful, and wonderful. Anyone able to operate an oven knows the sense of happiness this smell can create. The smell of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies is by far the most enjoyable to me.It begins with a somber kitchen full of ingredients. As the chalky smell of white flour swirls around the room, it mixes with an aroma of underdeveloped chicken embryos and is soon interrupted by the grainy & shockingly sweet scent of granulated and brown sugar. A puff of thin, and starchy baking soda along with a pinch of salt adds to the mix. The soon to be softened chocolate chips solidify the foundation and the batter is complete.
The oven is preheated, filling the air with a slight burnt aroma. The blobs of joy enter the chamber where, as far as I am concerned, magic happens. As you carry on with your daily tasks, as sneaky as a fox, the odor engulfs your nose and whole house. The rich, scrumptious, and heavenly odor creates a ball of anxiousness for the next thirty to forty minutes as the cookies bake.
The time is finally up, and as you open the oven the delightful and divine smell wraps around you like a blanket. The mouthwatering scent forces you to the fridge, as a chocolate chip cookie is lonely without milk.
Group:
ReplyDeleteWhat is Kristen doing to elevate the experience of baking?
In addition to your responses, list some of her specific techniques. What's up with her word choice? What about her sentence structure?
Where is the over-the-top writing really working and where is it too much.
(Good job, KB).
DW
I really, really like this. It reminded me of home and my mom baking cookies.
ReplyDeleteYou use higher level adjectives that help create a mood you are looking for. In the beginning and end, the word choices are clear reminders of the best parts of cookie baking. Where it doesn't work is when you use adjectives like somber to describe the room. To me, that made that specific sentence just a little too heavy. I don't think any part of the cookie making process is somber, not even in the slightest.
I really did like this though. The sentences flow well together and it's a very fun read. Good work.
Firstly, it's funny that you used that Allstate quote to lead your essay because I just heard something similar used as an example in another class.
ReplyDeleteAnyway...
Reading the first paragraph alone I would have no idea what cookies smell like if I didn't already, so it might be worth raising some of your sensory description in the story.
Some phrases/sentences I liked: "an aroma of underdeveloped chicken embryos," "The blobs of joy enter the chamber where, as far as I am concerned, magic happens."
I think these two sentences are a bit over the top: "As you carry on with your daily tasks, as sneaky as a fox, the odor engulfs your nose and whole house. The rich, scrumptious, and heavenly odor creates a ball of anxiousness for the next thirty to forty minutes as the cookies bake."
But your ending, I think, is fantastic.
Phrases I don't like: "underdeveloped chicken embryos," "blobs of joy," "sneaky as a fox," "ball of anxiousness"
ReplyDeleteWhat I do like: you go through the process of baking and use all the ingredients to not just describe the smell of chocolate chip cookies, but to build that smell, to take all those components and form them into a coherent whole - much like baking, no? Also, the sense of building anticipation throughout the entire essay makes it seem like we're living the experience with you.
The sweeping generalizations at the very beginning are slightly out of true with the evocative language of the rest of the essay, but the ending is perfect.
And now I'm hungry.